It's All Your Fault

      Hi and Welcome to my Blog. Today’s blog continues on from my last blog:  “It’s All In Your Head” ..with an added twist, “self responsibility”

  Have you ever noticed that when you are seething angry it is always some else’s fault?

 Let’s face it, you are angry because the other person; did something, said something, implied something, that you strongly disagreed with. So it is definitely their fault.

 And have you also noticed that when you are angry you feel completely justified that this is the right behaviour.

 ..And we feel justified to remain angry

..And over time this can turn into resentment

..And over time this can turn into really disliking that person or event or thing

You can’t stand them.

Whenever you see or think about them they just make your blood boil

.. and it’s all their fault!

 Years can go past and every time something reminds you of that person/incident – you seethe!

  In neurology there is a saying: “Neurons that fire together wire together”

I.E. The more you restimulate an event that upsets you, the stronger the neurological connection becomes and the easy it is to trigger that response. So you remain stuck.

 But it’s definitely THEIR FAULT

 Where am I going with this?

This might rattle a few feathers but, we love our problems. We love to stay angry and fixate on the person / event that caused it. And by convincing ourselves that it’s their fault we are perfectly justified to remain bitter and twisted - and it’s their fault!

 I refuse to ever feel good about myself again because of what they did and it’s their fault, not mine.

And the worst thing about this is, the other person doesn’t even know or care about how you are feeling. They are completely oblivious to the whole episode and are moving through life quite happy. But you are stuck at that point.

..So who’s fault is it?..

 Now change the word “Fault” to “Responsibility”.  Regardless of what created this situation, who is responsible for how you feel and act?

 If you have read my other blogs you’ll notice a fundamental principle I work with, “Treat the whole person not the symptom”

In relation to any issue that you have, there will be a physical, emotional and bio-chemical involvement.

 When we are distressed all 3 are affected. We change our emotional state to anger resentment, anxiety, fear, etc. Our chemical state changes to release stress hormones. Our physical state changes to prepare our bodies for physical confrontation.  This reaction is a short term survival reaction to help you to cope with the event when it occurs. You cannot maintain this state long term before things start to go wrong.

 Constantly blaming someone or something will keep you in this altered state, for extended periods. Physically, emotionally and chemically.

 And the kicker is, all of this is a perfectly natural and normal reaction. You are supposed to do this because, at a primitive level, we are designed to survive. 

So why do we feel so justified staying angry and blaming the other person?  Because, we are stuck in this survival state, to survive the initial incident. Not being in this survival state means you may not cope or survive, so you feel as though you must stay in this state. And in fact, do not want to leave it. So you feel completely justified. It feels like absolutely the right way to behave.

 But the incident has passed. Sometimes, years ago and we have not let go of this initial state. We are in fact recreating the problem over and over and over. This affects us mentally, emotionally, physically and chemically.

 .. and on  a primitive level, we want to retain some portion of this reaction so that if the incident (or one like it) ever happens again – even 10 or 20 years later we have a pre-programmed survival response to help us cope the situation.

 So the upshot of all this is- the initial response is quite often correct. That is, “to survive the initial incident” Then, when the incident is over, it’s time to move on. BUT often, we do not and we remain stuck in this state, unhappy and blaming the other person, forever!

 This state goes by various names, a few are:

  •  The child state.

  • Emotional self sabotage

  • Being a victim

  • The problem we need

 .. the one thing that is consistent is, there is a perceived benefit from this state.

  •  We do not need to take responsibility for being angry

  • We do not have to confront the situation

  • We get to blame the other person.

  • We feel completely justified to remain unhappy, angry, resentful etc..

 Because this affects us emotional, physically, and chemically, the side effects can be quite debilitating. For example:

  •  Digestion

  • Reproduction

  • Muscular aches

  • Joint pain

  • Headaches

  • Adrenal fatigue

  • Thyroid issues

  • Depression

 ..and, I will keep reiterating this point: When we are in Survival Response State, our body’s resources are used to fuel this state. They are not being used for healing. So we cannot heal or recover completely while we are stuck in survival. We need to come out of this state to free up energy that can now be used to heal and recover. 

On a final note, the caption on today’s image sums up this blog perfectly:

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”.

- - Buddha --

If any of this is ringing a bell with you then working with me we can help uncover and resolve the initial incident so that you no longer blindly react but, rather have more conscious awareness and thus choice over how you feel and behave.